I have noticed a growing trend among black men.
They all seem to be with white women.
Let me preface, this post might be a little pot calling the kettle black. I am an equal opportunity employer. For the longest time I refused to date black men. So it comes as a surprise that I am disturbed by the fact that black men seem to be obsessed with white women. Let me explain.
I took a trip a couple of weeks ago to Las Vegas. I was with some beautiful black women. Yet, very rarely did a black man come speak to any of my friends or me. When they did speak to us it was more like leering and usually it was after every white woman in the club turned them down. However, white men spoke to us a plenty. Interesting,verdad?
Last weekend at the Wale concert, I saw numerous black men/ white women interracial couples leaving the bars together. That did not bother me as much as seeing the only woman to be pulled on stage was a white woman. My thought, “Really Wale? Even after the article in which you say how much you uphold black women?"
Not to mention Taye Diggs loving Addison Montgomery on Private Practice. Idris Elba saying he never wants to date a black woman. It just seems like this constant barrage of black men constantly saying how they do not want to be with a black woman.
It hurts. It affects me. However, I do not suffer from low self-esteem (most days). Black men do ask me out on dates. I do feel I will get married (and it does not have to be to a black man). However, seeing what seems like every dateable black man dating a white woman is disturbing and saddening to me. Please understand this is coming from someone that does not even feel any sort of loyalty to black men and in fact would likely date a white man over a black man any day. I prefer it actually. Not to mention my parents are from two different races, so this is really nothing unusual. So what is my problem? Why am I so messed up by this?
Well, I think several things are happening.
My last serious boyfriend only dated white women before we started seeing one another and upon breaking up with me would throw it in my face. By that I mean he would say how his white girlfriends were much nicer to him, boosted his ego, and that he felt more attracted to them. Ouch! I think this is where my disdain and judgment for white women and interracial relationships began. Before dating him, the idea of going out with a black man was not on my radar. He was the first man I loved and he was African American. Not Nigerian. Not mixed. Not blue. Not purple. Black. And the way he viewed all black women had some serious effects on the way I thought about myself, especially considering he had some issues with them regarding abandonment, emasculation, and not aiding in his development. At least compared to the white women who saved him from himself. Mind you, his aunt raised him and his two best friends are black women? See the beginning of my framework?
Furthermore, I work in an all African American boys high school where the staff is comprised predominately of African American men and white women (I know you can see where this is going). It is interesting because I have some students who put down black women constantly saying they will only be with a white woman when they grow up. I think being in this atmosphere has not only made me see race more, but it has also affected the way I see my relationships and myself.
Reconciling my issues on this subject is beyond me. I think it is something I need to get over but being alone and trying to navigate the whole dating world is part of my problem. I feel my own look past me. The white men I meet or see on the street look like they only want white women. However, maybe this entire issue is actually just an issue I have with my own self-confidence. The more I see people not wanting women who look like me (is this even true?), the more I feel I do not want myself. Furthermore, the constantly bombardment of seeing famous black men only wanting to be with white women has gotten to me and I need to remind myself that I live in the real world.
Do you have any advice on what I can do to get past this issue? Fellow black women, how do you remind yourself that you loving yourself is more important than anyone else wanting you?
Please believe there will be more where this comes from.
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