Writing it down

I am confrontational. I will tell you what I am feeling and how you caused it. This attitude is usually superficial though. I will confront my boss and coworkers and people I barely know, but when it comes to my closest friends I find it difficult to tell them how I feel and why I am upset. This past week was exceptionally rough for me. I received some news about my health that was not positive, had some issues with a friend, and issues with another. While old Imah would have just blurted out everything I felt and lived with the consequences, I realized I could not do that in these situations. I have gotten to the point where I do not want to hurt people as much as I want to express my own hurt. In a lot of ways, I never learned how to express my pain without coming off as if I was attacking.

That is why yesterday, amongst my frustration and anger, I decided to write down what was angering me in letter form. Now once long ago I decided to write a letter to this boy who I liked (who I thought lied to me or was playing with my emotions when in reality his friend was lying to me). The letter was crazy! Bananas! I read it to my friends and they were like... ummm don't send that! But it was so easy to just say what I felt and breath. So many times we just want to let go but make sure we have said everything we wanted to say. So I wrote. And I wrote. And I let it out. Then I had the conversations that I needed to have with those people.

It is crazy how the anger will stay on the paper and let you voice your opinions calmly and rationally. I started to feel so much better. Clearing the air is better than letting something fester, but you have to do it for the right reasons and not attack people. It is critical. I hope I am on the right track towards my own self growth.

Sweet Nothings

* Chocolate covered oreos from the Sugar Factory in Las Vegas. I could not resist!

D-Town Swag

This past weekend I went home to visit mi familia. Even though I sometimes hated being at home when I was younger, I now appreciate and savor every opportunity I have to be with my family. I am extremely close to my mom and spending those precious moments with her really make me happy! Not to mention she is my partner in crime and we spend most of our time eating and shopping!

Me with the Cat in the Hat!

Suzie Q! This store used to sell a lot more jewelry, but now specializes in beads. I love the colors.

My friend Natasha and I at a Dallas Mavericks game (my first one!). We were victorious!

My first time at the Dallas Cowboys Stadium!

Mi mamasita y yo trying to avoid the sun and wind (did not work)

Above the Clouds

"The sun always shines above the clouds"

*Flight from Dallas to Chicago

Updates and Redefining Goals

My trip to Vegas was very enlightening. I started to rethink my vision board goals and work towards some of them and think about life in general. More importantly, I began to rethink my relationships with people and with myself. I decided to be positive when I felt like being negative and to be a nicer person. Even though I had been tested and my own sharp wit was constantly challenged, I am proud of my progress. I have also been enjoying working out and my overall alone time. It is amazing. The relationships I am building with my students have also been affected and I feel like we are connecting more and I am just more productive and happier at work. Can I also talk about how I have tried to change my eating habits and have rejected chocolate covered oreos and eating out more often than not. I have also started going to a Step class. I am just feeling better about myself and my life and who I am becoming.

I know I am not done.

There is still a lot to go in my development. In theory we are constantly developing and growing so this is not necessarily unusual. I have decided in an attempt to be more accountable to share my new directions and goals on this blog. I also think going by month or every couple of weeks is a short enough time to know that you can feel real changes and form real habits.

1. My budget.

I was just speaking to a friend of mine about how men who do not have their money together worry me and I would prefer not to date them. Pot. Kettle. Black. I am horrible at my budget and not living paycheck to paycheck. I live beyond my means. There is really no way around admitting that, but I do want to take strides in stopping this behavior. I am going on several trips in the next couple of months and need to save rather than spend.

2. Health

So I have been working out about three times a week and eating healthier. I do not eat out as much and I am trying to not eat poorly by myself (container of oreos anyone?) This is definitely a work in progress. However, I did just quit my gym which means I need a new way to work out. I do not want to sign up for another membership so I am hoping that I can 1) start taking more walks 2) buy a one of yoga groupon 3) find other ways to work out :/

I am taking a trip to Florida and Costa Rica in the next five months and want to look great for both!

3. Finding my passion

I love to read, dance, and back desserts (licking the spoons and tasting to make sure something is "cooked"). My goal is to pursue these things. I have a living social deal for Bachata classes. I also need to find a book club or start one of my own. I also enjoy hosting people at my apartment so finding my avenues for that would be wonderful. Did I mention I have completely disconnected from the news? I need to develop my interests and pursue different interests. I read a book, "Work It Girl" that speaks to finding your passions and pursuing them.

4. Continue to work on building and strengthening relationships. I have noticed a difference in the way I feel and the way people treat me since I have become "nicer". I am going to continue pursuing this.

All in all, I am a work in progress. We all are and that is okay.

Weekend Movie???? THIS MEANS WAR

My friend and I attended a sneak preview for This Means War on Tuesday. I had been seeing advertisements for it and new it would be cute, but it was not quite what I expected. It was not that deep, but it is definitely a movie I recommend to those who want to see something lighthearted and fun. Reese Witherspoon's shoes are also amazing and the two guys are extremely attractive. Let me know what you think after you go see it!

Check out the trailer http://www.thismeanswarmovie.com/

Know What You Want

At the beginning of August I went through a horrible break up. My coworker and now really good friend and I would exchange advice seeing as she was going through a breakup herself. We exchanged biblical verses, warnings, guidance, and were a clear conscience. When I decided to meet up with my ex she gave me a sage piece of advice. She told me to know what I want from the situation before I entered. This way, I know what I would and would not allow and would have boundaries. I soon realized (after not having a plan) that going into a situation blind will just confuse you and allow your feelings and emotions to make choices for you because you lack perspective and clarity that you had outside of the situation.

I mean how many times do we meet with someone; an ex-boyfriend, an ex-best friend, an ex- someone without setting any sort of expectation about what we want from the situation. So many times we meet with someone with no clear goal in mind. We feel inclined to meet with them, but have no idea how we would handle certain questions being asked of us or inconspicuous touches we do not know how to read clearly. However, let me be clear. I believe whenever we meet with someone from our past, we do know what we want them to say, especially if it is someone who has hurt us deeply either with words or actions. We want an apology. We want them to tell us they were wrong in leaving us, and how badly they want us back.

Navigating these situations is the real problem because we know these people are potentially bad for us. We know that the best friend who just stopped answering our phones calls is never going to regain that position. We know that an ex-boyfriend who hurt us is really not the one. That is why understanding and knowing what you will say when they make you weak is essential to remaining healthy and on track.

Following this advice will also allow us to decipher why we are actually meeting with people whose time in our lives has passed. I am a true believer in the saying, “People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. It is really that simple. Some people have no real reason to be in our lives anymore. In fact keeping them in your life is just blocking the way for the new people you have yet to meet.

Furthermore, knowing what we want from a situation keeps us accountable to ourselves. We place our own limits and boundaries, meaning we are the only ones to blame when we end up hurt or in a precarious position (no pun intended). Yesterday, I met with someone I have not spoken to in almost a year. He had been contacting me a lot recently and I thought I knew what I wanted from the situation. Really, I had no idea what outcome would have made me happiest. In the end, I realized following what my heart was telling me to do was best for me. My heart was telling me that engaging this person was not helping me move towards my future and towards the people I am supposed to meet, but rather keeping me in the past. Let’s stop the charades and know before we end up in a worst situation than before.

And When He Gets On He Will Leave Your Ass for a White Girl

I have noticed a growing trend among black men.

They all seem to be with white women.

Let me preface, this post might be a little pot calling the kettle black. I am an equal opportunity employer. For the longest time I refused to date black men. So it comes as a surprise that I am disturbed by the fact that black men seem to be obsessed with white women. Let me explain.

I took a trip a couple of weeks ago to Las Vegas. I was with some beautiful black women. Yet, very rarely did a black man come speak to any of my friends or me. When they did speak to us it was more like leering and usually it was after every white woman in the club turned them down. However, white men spoke to us a plenty. Interesting,verdad?

Last weekend at the Wale concert, I saw numerous black men/ white women interracial couples leaving the bars together. That did not bother me as much as seeing the only woman to be pulled on stage was a white woman. My thought, “Really Wale? Even after the article in which you say how much you uphold black women?"

Not to mention Taye Diggs loving Addison Montgomery on Private Practice. Idris Elba saying he never wants to date a black woman. It just seems like this constant barrage of black men constantly saying how they do not want to be with a black woman.

It hurts. It affects me. However, I do not suffer from low self-esteem (most days). Black men do ask me out on dates. I do feel I will get married (and it does not have to be to a black man). However, seeing what seems like every dateable black man dating a white woman is disturbing and saddening to me. Please understand this is coming from someone that does not even feel any sort of loyalty to black men and in fact would likely date a white man over a black man any day. I prefer it actually. Not to mention my parents are from two different races, so this is really nothing unusual. So what is my problem? Why am I so messed up by this?

Well, I think several things are happening.

My last serious boyfriend only dated white women before we started seeing one another and upon breaking up with me would throw it in my face. By that I mean he would say how his white girlfriends were much nicer to him, boosted his ego, and that he felt more attracted to them. Ouch! I think this is where my disdain and judgment for white women and interracial relationships began. Before dating him, the idea of going out with a black man was not on my radar. He was the first man I loved and he was African American. Not Nigerian. Not mixed. Not blue. Not purple. Black. And the way he viewed all black women had some serious effects on the way I thought about myself, especially considering he had some issues with them regarding abandonment, emasculation, and not aiding in his development. At least compared to the white women who saved him from himself. Mind you, his aunt raised him and his two best friends are black women? See the beginning of my framework?

Furthermore, I work in an all African American boys high school where the staff is comprised predominately of African American men and white women (I know you can see where this is going). It is interesting because I have some students who put down black women constantly saying they will only be with a white woman when they grow up. I think being in this atmosphere has not only made me see race more, but it has also affected the way I see my relationships and myself.

Reconciling my issues on this subject is beyond me. I think it is something I need to get over but being alone and trying to navigate the whole dating world is part of my problem. I feel my own look past me. The white men I meet or see on the street look like they only want white women. However, maybe this entire issue is actually just an issue I have with my own self-confidence. The more I see people not wanting women who look like me (is this even true?), the more I feel I do not want myself. Furthermore, the constantly bombardment of seeing famous black men only wanting to be with white women has gotten to me and I need to remind myself that I live in the real world.

Do you have any advice on what I can do to get past this issue? Fellow black women, how do you remind yourself that you loving yourself is more important than anyone else wanting you?

Please believe there will be more where this comes from.

Lotus Flower Bomb

When I first heard of Wale I was underwhelmed. My friend Abby was listening to him all the time during undergrad, but I was too concerned with Lupe to understand. Finally, after listening to a Wale Pandora station, I fell in love his music. This past Friday I went to his concert at the Cubby Bear.

New Obsession: Thought Catalog

A coworker of mine suggested I start reading Thought Catalog, a collection of essays and short pieces written by anyone who feels like contributing. I found this lovely piece of prose that really made me think about my decisions to stay in relationships even after I felt that "chill". Read and let me know what you think!

I’m Not Going To Love You Forever (Just FYI)

Honey, I have to tell you something. Can you turn the music down? It’s serious. Okay, now sit down. Are you ready? Okay.

I’m going to hate you one day. I’m going to despise every fiber of your being. I’ll wince when you touch me in the foyer after a long day at work. I’ll lose desire for your penis, your arms, your teeth, your earlobes. I’m going to stop believing everything you tell me. I’m going to draw the blinds, take a nap, and never wake up again. And there is nothing you can do about it. Not a damn thing.

Please don’t cry. It’s not today! I don’t hate you yet. In fact, I still love you. I don’t wince in the foyer at your touch, not even a little bit, and I’m still very much enamored with your genitalia. But it was the funniest thing really. The other day, when we were lying in bed, I felt a cold chill rush through my body and that’s when I knew this wasn’t forever with a capital F. I felt this cold chill in my last relationship. It’s my body’s way of telling my heart to bulk up because heartbreak is on its way.

I think it’s going to be your fault though. Your actions will be the reason why I’ll eventually hate you. I know that you’re a cold man. It didn’t seem like it when we first met but the more I look around inside of you, I realize just how chilly you are. It’s a quiet emotional distance, hard to pinpoint, which makes it all the more difficult to fix. It’s the way you turn away from me in bed five minutes too early, or fail to notice when I’m upset with you. I don’t think you understand people. Or maybe you understand them all too well and don’t care to know more.

You’re still crying but I almost feel like they’re crocodile tears. You don’t know what to do with me when I’m here. You only know what to do when I’m gone. If you could spoon on a long-distance phone call, you wouldn’t turn away from me five minutes early. You’re more comfortable loving me at a distance, when I’m contained, but you seem flustered when I try to give myself all of you.

Oh, what a terrible thing this all is! I shouldn’t have told you. I acknowledge that was a little screwed up of me, but then again, I’m screwed up! After all, I picked you, didn’t I? Granted, you’re better than the last one. You’re not openly terrible but the similarities are unavoidable. I picked the wrong person to love again. I continued the cycle. I still feel comfortable loving people more than they love me back. Fabulous! The good news is, I guess, that I’ll get over you and move on.

When I hate you, you’re going to finally love me. That’s how these things usually work, right? I pull away after getting no response, which makes you attentive all of a sudden. Well, guess what? No thanks. When I hate you, you’re not allowed to touch me or want me or talk to me. You have an all-access pass to me now and you don’t even use it, so I’m revoking your membership. Bye-bye.

I’ll enjoy hating you. When I do, it will mean that I love myself a little bit more. So just let me do that. Let me love myself.

Phew. I feel so much better telling you this. Wanna do Thai for dinner?

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/im-not-going-to-love-you-forever/

Building Positivity

I believe that our resolutions move and grow with us throughout the year. They are not necessarily moving targets, but rather indications of our growth and accomplishments. After an insightful conversation with my best friend I have come to the conclusion that I need to change the way I deal with the people in my life: friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances. I need to watch the words I use with people and be more cognizant of the connotations of what I say. So many times I have neglected the affect of my words. I hope what I am saying is more constructive than critical, but really it all sounds sort of mean. Last week I told my boss something that I am now ashamed of and my best friend something very hurtful. While I believe I had the best intentions, it became clear to me that constantly saying whatever I feel is not the best way to maintain relationships.

Part of my problem is that people have come to expect this blunt, in-your-face demeanor from me. Whenever I visit my friends they usually warn their friends that Imah will say whatever is on her mind. Or Imah, well she is just really honest and has a strong personality. While I do believe these qualities can be valued in the work place and even there I question if my approach is optimal, in my day-to-day interactions it is more important that I become the kind of friend I want to be friends with. This is difficult, but necessary for my future endeavors and the kind of person I want to become. I want to change this negative perception of me and I want to start strengthening relationships and building new strong ones.

Esosa told me I need to learn how to humble myself. This is the first step. So many times in life we want to be right. We want to be in power. We want to be respected. And so many times we maintain the status quo by putting others down and building ourselves up. But what is the point of that? This past week I have tried to be a more positive presence in the lives of the people around me. I apologized to my boss and told him how I felt, but not using wordage that sounds like I am attacking him (because I wasn’t). I apologized to a friend of mine that I hurt and told her my perspective. I began to sit and speak with students that I have cast off to the side but now realize how much we have in common and how they add to my day. I realize that being negative is only making me a toxic force when in reality I have so much potential to be positive.

Furthermore, I have discovered that having a positive attitude will have a tremendous affect on your life and outlook. When someone asks me how I am doing I am used to saying, “Ok!”, but really I feel great. I read that if you want to get over a cold instead of saying “I’m sick” saying “I am getting over something”. I am really trying to rework my approach and outlook. I am trying to be more purposeful. More importantly, I am trying to live a better life. 2011 was great, but I plan on so much happening in 2012 it is bound to be a year of growth and discovery. I need to stop letting the negative feelings I have towards myself define the relationships I have with others. Instead, I need to change what I need to change or let go of those negative feelings, and be positive.

Resolutions are can be very powerful milestones and markers for us. I am refocusing mine and thinking about how I can be the best person possible to live the best life possible.

Book Club: What I Wish I Knew When I was 20- Tina Seelig

My best friend brought me this book to read over the weekend. After having some really insightful and in-depth talks with her I realized that I need to definitely make some changes when it comes to my people skills and how I approach my life. This book really opened my eyes to how I should think about problems that come up in the work place and my life. This is not just for 20-somethings but anyone who has ever experienced a low point or needs a new perspective on life. I found myself thinking about common problems I have faced recently when it comes to becoming more efficient and serious about life. Check out the following quotes!

" The world is divided into people who wait and those who just do it"

"People are not just lucky, they work hard too"

"Craft the story now, how you would want to tell it later"

"Take responsibility for your actions and be willing to learn from your experiences"

"Learn how to negotiate"

These are just a few snippets, but the whole book was a worthwhile read. I hope to integrate some of these ideas into my everyday practice and work. What books have changed the way you thought about your life?