I am an only child. Growing up both of my parents worked full time jobs and I was left to fend for myself as young as eight. I would spend my afternoons after school reading, sleeping, playing with my imaginary friends, and watching television. My parents were extremely overprotective so I was not allowed to spend time outside playing with the neighborhood kids. I spent most of my time… alone. While at times I felt bored (mainly timeslots with no television shows I liked), being alone was fine for me. I loved being by myself. I enjoyed thinking and fantasizing and dreaming about my future. I enjoyed the quiet. I enjoyed being around me.
However, as I became older, being alone began to seem sad. Being alone meant not having someone to cuddle with. Being alone meant not having a friend to talk to. My senior year of college I felt alone after going through a horrible fight with one of my best friends. Since then I have done my best to always fill my time with someone or something. Coffee on Thursday night? Festival on Sunday? Movie Tuesday after work? I refused to be by myself. This was especially true when my boyfriend broke up with me and I felt that every time I was alone I was thinking about him. I was worried that I would sit by myself in my apartment and just think about him and about me being…alone.
Recently, I have discovered that being alone does not mean you are lonely. Loneliness means you do not have anyone to turn to or you feel abandoned. Now I think about being alone as a time to recharge. I get tired of being around people all the time. Sometimes I become annoyed when I am trying to have my “me time”, lost in my thoughts or ideas and someone is trying to having a conversation with me. I need time to just meditate, unwind, bond with Chuck and Blaine. Sometimes I just like the calm of quiet. I like being lost in my own thoughts and imagination. Furthermore, being alone is a time to think about yourself and who you are and what you like. But I am not here to fool anyone; I am only truly alone when I am in my apartment and on my way to work in the morning (and even then it’s unusual). Usually, whenever I want to do something or go anywhere I invite a friend or two to join me. I have never eaten at a restaurant alone. I have only seen a movie by myself once. I go shopping alone, but that is more because I do not shop at the same stores as my friends and I am self-conscious.
Even though the month of February is looking fairly booked, my goal is to push myself to go eat at a restaurant I have wanted to try and sit by myself and eat there… alone. I will bring one of my all time favorite companions (a book), but that is it. Maybe afterwards I will go see a movie. My goal is to travel somewhere by myself. I do not mean fly to a city where my friends live and stay with them. I mean really travel like on a cruise or one of those LivingSocial vacation packages that always look so tempting. I want to go Europe again and it has been difficult for me to find people who also want to travel.
I think traveling by myself would be the ultimate test for me. When I was in Paris I would venture off for a day and find myself a tad bored or feeling awkward. However, now that I am older and more confident in myself, I wonder if I would just take everything as it comes. I also wonder if I would feel lonely seeing other people with their friends or in a couple. One of my girl crushes, Rebecca Jackson-Artis, once told me that being lonely is a state of mind. If you think you are lonely and alone, then that is how you will feel and that is all you will see. If you think you are surrounded by people who love and care about you, then even if you are physically alone, you will never be lonely. I have found this idea of positive thinking to be key to my development as a young woman. Even when I am by myself in my apartment, I feel loved. I feel surrounded by all the people who I know are only a phone call, text or facebook message away.
I am excited to embrace being alone. Do not worry, I am not going to become a hermit, but I might take one night out of the week to just concentrate on what I need to do for myself. Maybe that night out will turn into a weekend out of town, which will turn into a trip abroad. The possibilities of what I can do by myself are endless. Eventually I will not have the freedom to do these things and I need to take advantage the opportunity I have now to do what I want to do for me, and me alone.
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