For the past month or so, I have been in a low place. The problem is, I have no idea why. Or the ideas I do have as to why I am in such a place of despair are superficial. Thus, I now spend my time psychoanalyzing myself and my issues. And the vicious cycle continues. However, I am trying to get out of it. I want to be in my happy place. Great things are happening to and for me. I got into a great graduate school with a full ride (read: debt free), I have amazing friends, I am sending young black men all over the world and to college through my job, and I am doing some amazing things in free time including traveling and visiting family. Yet, I still feel...blah.
Part of my issue is that I do not think I am happy with myself yet. I know it seems cliche, but being an overweight woman is difficult. I do not think I am ugly and my self-esteem is not low t, but I am conscious of the ways guys ook at my friends and not me. I am conscious of the way clothing stores do not make clothes that fit me. I am conscious that all the women I work with and the majority of my friends are small and tiny and everybody drifts to them. And deep down I am jealous of them. I am envious of them and their lives even though I know that their lives are not perfect. But my weight is something that really bothers me. Overtime it has become a burden that I can not hide and is obvious to me every time I go shopping with friends or look into the mirror. I sometimes wonder if I was to lose all of this weight, would I be happy? I think I may have a different set of issues, but I think I would be, if only I could get there. You may ask, why aren't you there yet? What are you doing to change your life? I am working on it little by little. I understand it is a process, but I hope to set this as a real goal for self discovery and reflection. I joined weight watchers and have started taking boxing classes. I hope before I leave to costa rica in July to be down 15-20 pounds. At least this is something I have a solution to.
My other issue is that not having someone is really starting to drag me down. To be honest, I have been single in my life more than I have been in a relationship. I am not sure if I am just not a relationship person. My weight may play into who is interested in me. I just have not been able to hold a relationship together for longer than a couple of months. However, my relationships are really intense and take emotional tolls on me and I think the lack of interest I have had in the men I see and vice versa coupled with my good friends being in monogamous relationships and getting engaged has begun to take a toll on me and my self esteem. I find myself jealous of my friends who are with someone. Here is the crazy part though. When I am in a relationship, I am in it. My reality becomes focused on keeping the two of us together whether that means sacrificing my own future or just living in crazyland. Which may make it a good thing that I am not with someone. My costa rica trip will cut me off from technology for 30 days (communication is key to relationships I hear) and I am moving from Chicago to Dallas to Michigan in August for grad school. How do I expect to build a healthy and strong relationship with someone when I am in this place of transition?
I think I have to remember why only caring about me is positive at this point in my life. I am 23 years old. I want to travel the world and be able to chart my own course without having to think about how that would affect somebody else. When I talk to my friends who are moving across the country to be with their man or will refuse to take jobs in the future unless their husband can come with them, I just find that to be scary. In the end, I just miss the feelings of being in a relationship. I miss someone texting me good morning when I wake up (even though my mom does this). I miss always having a +1 to new restaurants and events. I miss the butterflies you get on your first date and how happy your life can seem. I really miss those things.
Yesterday, my friend told me that maybe I should date myself. Which I laughed at, and said I already do, but do I really? How do I love myself? How do I show myself that I want to be with me. I know it doesn't seem like it, but my frustrations are connected. I feel like other people are skinny so they get boyfriends and I am not so I will be another single black woman. But I know better. I know so much better than that. I know that if you feel beautiful on the inside and if there is positivity in your heart, then you will attract that. I think I am so caught up in being sad, helpless, fat, and jealous, that you can read it on my face. I think I need to pull myself out of these doldrums and find what makes me happy. I also think that as I work on making myself happier and whole, someone will come to me. I know this sounds like duh, but reminding yourself and living this out is a completely different situation that is difficult to carry out. I just have to remember, that just because it is low now, does not mean it will be low in the future. Everything is temporary.
