When I was younger my dream was to move to Chicago. I told myself that I would go to the University of Chicago or Northwestern for undergrad and then switch for law school. When I was accepted to the place where fun goes to die, I happily accepted. Needless to say, Chicago has been my home for the past six years. I went to college there and then I worked at a southside charter school. I have lived and been all over the city. To me, Chicago was the place where I became an adult. It allowed me to grow and mature in ways Texas never could. I learned how to take the train, go to clubs, live by myself, and learn independent of parents and 1500 miles away from their household. But at the end of June, I found myself saying goodbye to Chicago. I left in the best way possible. I left not wanting to leave. Even though deep down I knew it was my time to leave the Windy City, I wanted to stay one last summer for one last hurrah. I will miss Chicago and the people who were my family for six years but I know my next journey is necessary.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
California Dreams
At the beginning of March I went to visit my best friend Chelsea in Los Angeles. Before I arrived, I had imagined LA to be a sort of West Coast Miami filled with superficiality and snobbery. I was pleasantly surprised. I loved LA. It was amazing!!! I could actually see myself living there. It's warm, it's beautiful, and it has a more laidback vibe than I thought. My friend Chelsea is out there holding it down, but I might have to join her to defrost after I finish grad school in Michigan. Here are some pics from my trip!
It's Britney, Bitch!
Steven Spielberg and George Lucas being uber nerds!
The Low Place
For the past month or so, I have been in a low place. The problem is, I have no idea why. Or the ideas I do have as to why I am in such a place of despair are superficial. Thus, I now spend my time psychoanalyzing myself and my issues. And the vicious cycle continues. However, I am trying to get out of it. I want to be in my happy place. Great things are happening to and for me. I got into a great graduate school with a full ride (read: debt free), I have amazing friends, I am sending young black men all over the world and to college through my job, and I am doing some amazing things in free time including traveling and visiting family. Yet, I still feel...blah.
Part of my issue is that I do not think I am happy with myself yet. I know it seems cliche, but being an overweight woman is difficult. I do not think I am ugly and my self-esteem is not low t, but I am conscious of the ways guys ook at my friends and not me. I am conscious of the way clothing stores do not make clothes that fit me. I am conscious that all the women I work with and the majority of my friends are small and tiny and everybody drifts to them. And deep down I am jealous of them. I am envious of them and their lives even though I know that their lives are not perfect. But my weight is something that really bothers me. Overtime it has become a burden that I can not hide and is obvious to me every time I go shopping with friends or look into the mirror. I sometimes wonder if I was to lose all of this weight, would I be happy? I think I may have a different set of issues, but I think I would be, if only I could get there. You may ask, why aren't you there yet? What are you doing to change your life? I am working on it little by little. I understand it is a process, but I hope to set this as a real goal for self discovery and reflection. I joined weight watchers and have started taking boxing classes. I hope before I leave to costa rica in July to be down 15-20 pounds. At least this is something I have a solution to.
My other issue is that not having someone is really starting to drag me down. To be honest, I have been single in my life more than I have been in a relationship. I am not sure if I am just not a relationship person. My weight may play into who is interested in me. I just have not been able to hold a relationship together for longer than a couple of months. However, my relationships are really intense and take emotional tolls on me and I think the lack of interest I have had in the men I see and vice versa coupled with my good friends being in monogamous relationships and getting engaged has begun to take a toll on me and my self esteem. I find myself jealous of my friends who are with someone. Here is the crazy part though. When I am in a relationship, I am in it. My reality becomes focused on keeping the two of us together whether that means sacrificing my own future or just living in crazyland. Which may make it a good thing that I am not with someone. My costa rica trip will cut me off from technology for 30 days (communication is key to relationships I hear) and I am moving from Chicago to Dallas to Michigan in August for grad school. How do I expect to build a healthy and strong relationship with someone when I am in this place of transition?
I think I have to remember why only caring about me is positive at this point in my life. I am 23 years old. I want to travel the world and be able to chart my own course without having to think about how that would affect somebody else. When I talk to my friends who are moving across the country to be with their man or will refuse to take jobs in the future unless their husband can come with them, I just find that to be scary. In the end, I just miss the feelings of being in a relationship. I miss someone texting me good morning when I wake up (even though my mom does this). I miss always having a +1 to new restaurants and events. I miss the butterflies you get on your first date and how happy your life can seem. I really miss those things.
Yesterday, my friend told me that maybe I should date myself. Which I laughed at, and said I already do, but do I really? How do I love myself? How do I show myself that I want to be with me. I know it doesn't seem like it, but my frustrations are connected. I feel like other people are skinny so they get boyfriends and I am not so I will be another single black woman. But I know better. I know so much better than that. I know that if you feel beautiful on the inside and if there is positivity in your heart, then you will attract that. I think I am so caught up in being sad, helpless, fat, and jealous, that you can read it on my face. I think I need to pull myself out of these doldrums and find what makes me happy. I also think that as I work on making myself happier and whole, someone will come to me. I know this sounds like duh, but reminding yourself and living this out is a completely different situation that is difficult to carry out. I just have to remember, that just because it is low now, does not mean it will be low in the future. Everything is temporary.
Part of my issue is that I do not think I am happy with myself yet. I know it seems cliche, but being an overweight woman is difficult. I do not think I am ugly and my self-esteem is not low t, but I am conscious of the ways guys ook at my friends and not me. I am conscious of the way clothing stores do not make clothes that fit me. I am conscious that all the women I work with and the majority of my friends are small and tiny and everybody drifts to them. And deep down I am jealous of them. I am envious of them and their lives even though I know that their lives are not perfect. But my weight is something that really bothers me. Overtime it has become a burden that I can not hide and is obvious to me every time I go shopping with friends or look into the mirror. I sometimes wonder if I was to lose all of this weight, would I be happy? I think I may have a different set of issues, but I think I would be, if only I could get there. You may ask, why aren't you there yet? What are you doing to change your life? I am working on it little by little. I understand it is a process, but I hope to set this as a real goal for self discovery and reflection. I joined weight watchers and have started taking boxing classes. I hope before I leave to costa rica in July to be down 15-20 pounds. At least this is something I have a solution to.
My other issue is that not having someone is really starting to drag me down. To be honest, I have been single in my life more than I have been in a relationship. I am not sure if I am just not a relationship person. My weight may play into who is interested in me. I just have not been able to hold a relationship together for longer than a couple of months. However, my relationships are really intense and take emotional tolls on me and I think the lack of interest I have had in the men I see and vice versa coupled with my good friends being in monogamous relationships and getting engaged has begun to take a toll on me and my self esteem. I find myself jealous of my friends who are with someone. Here is the crazy part though. When I am in a relationship, I am in it. My reality becomes focused on keeping the two of us together whether that means sacrificing my own future or just living in crazyland. Which may make it a good thing that I am not with someone. My costa rica trip will cut me off from technology for 30 days (communication is key to relationships I hear) and I am moving from Chicago to Dallas to Michigan in August for grad school. How do I expect to build a healthy and strong relationship with someone when I am in this place of transition?
I think I have to remember why only caring about me is positive at this point in my life. I am 23 years old. I want to travel the world and be able to chart my own course without having to think about how that would affect somebody else. When I talk to my friends who are moving across the country to be with their man or will refuse to take jobs in the future unless their husband can come with them, I just find that to be scary. In the end, I just miss the feelings of being in a relationship. I miss someone texting me good morning when I wake up (even though my mom does this). I miss always having a +1 to new restaurants and events. I miss the butterflies you get on your first date and how happy your life can seem. I really miss those things.
Yesterday, my friend told me that maybe I should date myself. Which I laughed at, and said I already do, but do I really? How do I love myself? How do I show myself that I want to be with me. I know it doesn't seem like it, but my frustrations are connected. I feel like other people are skinny so they get boyfriends and I am not so I will be another single black woman. But I know better. I know so much better than that. I know that if you feel beautiful on the inside and if there is positivity in your heart, then you will attract that. I think I am so caught up in being sad, helpless, fat, and jealous, that you can read it on my face. I think I need to pull myself out of these doldrums and find what makes me happy. I also think that as I work on making myself happier and whole, someone will come to me. I know this sounds like duh, but reminding yourself and living this out is a completely different situation that is difficult to carry out. I just have to remember, that just because it is low now, does not mean it will be low in the future. Everything is temporary.
My Week in Pictures
This past week (actually month) has been super busy! I went on Spring Break to Orlando and Daytona Beach with my mom, went to Spring Preview Day at the University of Michigan where I will be getting my MPP and hopefully M.Ed., my friend Ada came to town, and work has been hectic and crazy. Here is what it looks like in pictures.
My friend Kelli and I at Signing Day. My team and I got 100% of our seniors to college (re:black boys going on to bigger and better things... love it!)
Marrissa and I went to SawTooth. It was an interesting experience. So interesting I could not take a focused picture... whoops
Ada and I went to Luxbar. We were going to continue on to Nactional 27 but instead went home and ate brownies and watched Grey's. Sometimes that is the best thing to do on a Saturday night.
Sculpture on the UMich Diag
Picture of the beach from our window at Daytona Beach
Hotsauce wall at Heaven on Seven
Art cave -Ann Arbor
My future residence
View of the beach and hotel pool
Friday, March 2, 2012
Show I LOVE: Cashmere Mafia
Back in 2007 ABC had a wonderful idea to premiere a show that cast light on the difficulty of being a woman, a CEO, and a fashionista. I randomly found it when I was in college and I think this show convinced me that I should go to business school and rule the world. While I am still on the journey to understanding what this means, I spent a weekend re-watching all the shows. While I remembered each and every one, they meant something different to me this time around.
As a young woman trying to navigate the work world and find my footing, watching the triumphs and obstacles these women face gives me insight that I can not get anywhere else. The show was released during the Writers Strike and I do not think people were ready for what these women were bringing. It was not a show about women drowning in their insecurities, dying to fall in love with the perfect man, and swarmed with their issues. These women were smart, successful, struggling with relationships but understood they were not defined by them, and fabulous. Personally, ABC made a mistake in canceling the show.
Here is a list of things I have learned from watching Cashmere Mafia (I pray they will bring it back!)
1. Dictate your own reality and future.
In one of the episodes, Juliet discovers her husband is not only having an affair, but has lost the majority of their money and is using her as a front for his hedge fund. Instead of getting angry, she calls for their divorce. When he tries to do some other nonsense, she has his car repossessed. While these are extreme situations, Juliet never loses her cool. She decides what is going to happen to her and how much she is going to take. As women, we forget our power and our ability to harness it.
2. Always have a group you can lean on.
These four women met in business school and became the outstanding the women they are now because they supported one another. The work world is tough and people usually have ulterior motives. You need to surround yourself with the best people possible outside of work in order to guarantee your success.
3. Understand the implications of winning and losing
In the first episode, Mia is promoted to over her fiance. He leaves her. While I am in no way condoning his behavior, sometimes we assume everyone will be happy with our success. This is not always true and some people might feel alienated. We should always be striving to be our best, but understand what will happen to certain relationships and situations. So many times we act surprised. One of my mentors told me to always rehearse the worst scenario. Sometimes winning can be the worst scenario, and that is okay. We just need to be cognizant of it. Then keep it moving!
4. Know what you value
The work world has a way of forcing us to compromise our integrity. We make decisions that we know are wrong or would otherwise avoid. I once met the Assistant Superintendent of Boston Public Schools and she told me to know what I value before I take one more step. Knowing what you value keeps you inline with your own personal mission. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself and look at yourself in the mirror.
5. Dress fabulously
Dressing well is essential. Not just because of the numerous articles that say women who wear make-up/are more attractive get paid more, but because of how dressing your best makes you feel. Have you ever gotten dressed haphazardly and walked out the door and felt downtrodden? You just felt wrong and this wrongness oozed out of your pores. Everybody sensed it. I believe dressing well impacts how you feel about yourself but is also a reflection of sense. If you love yourself and are confident, then you would dress yourself as such.
Hopefully, you have a netflix account and will watch the seven Cashmere Mafia episodes on netflix. It will be well worth your $7.99.
Theta Family
My sorority is composed of families. When I was first initiated, I joined the Hot Pink and Black Family. There were two of us, my mom and I (we call them mom/daughters). My mom graduated my first year and I was alone. That is until I began my family the next year. Now, 5 years later, I have great great grandchildren. We are missing four or five people from this picture, but I could not be any more proud!
Also, congratulations to Kappa Alpha Theta for raising over $15,000 with our annual fundraiser, Mr. University! All money goes to Court Appointed Special Advocates, our philanthropy! Way to go ladies!
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